Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A New Start...

Well, I have not blogged for a LONG time! I was being a good blogger, and then had some speed bumps in my life that made blogging and facebooking etc. not too enjoyable. That was not the only reason, life was so busy over the holidays and for us, it was not with Christmas / New Years things, but with ripping our house apart! The end result is EXCITING!!! But right now... not so much! My house is a disaster, and keeping our lives some what normal is a constant battle, but I'm surprised at how well my organized clean OCD self is coping with this! haha.

Anyways, I know many of your close friends and family are already aware of recent events that have occurred. I have already wrote about this in my personal journal, so I feel that blogging about this will bring some closure to the topic.

So backing up a little, not too many people know about this but in July I went off the pill and even though it was early, we became pregnant right away, like insanely fast! It sort of blew or minds, but we were excited! Avery and that baby would have been 18 months apart, so close but doable, and we were due March. 12 (my birthday, sort of funny.) Well I started bleeding at 6 weeks and we miscarried. It was hard, but that baby didn't quite feel real yet so it was easier to deal with. I hadn't got nausea's yet or thrown up (and with Avery that hit right away at 6 weeks) and we hadn't told anyone, not even my parents. So we waited a month or so and started trying again. That baby happened right away too, we were due May. 10 and this one felt a lot more real!

I started throwing up at 6 weeks, went on diclictin (which is how I survive pregnancies.) Weeks went by and everything seemed quite normal, my stomach started to grow (I show early), 12 weeks came and it became common knowledge. I had my doctors appointment at 13 weeks and the babies heart was healthy and good. Also I found out 2 of my best friends (Tara Fullmer and Chantal Chiu) were due May. 15, which was sooo fun!

So I went for my 18 week check up and my Dr was going to hear the heart beat like usual and... couldn't find it! It was such a horrible feeling, but in a weird sense I had a feeling! The week before I felt like my stomach growth had slowed down, I usually grow pretty good and measure bigger than I am. And all week I kept feeling like I just needed to hear the babies heart beat to feel reassured, of course I didn't say this to anyone cause no one wants to have those feelings. My Dr was so wonderful and didn't want to scare me cause sometimes it can be okay, but of course wanted to find out what was up and called around and got me into a ultra sound at 1:00. We dropped Avery off at my parents and Jordan's boss was so understanding and told him to take the whole day if he needed (his wife had had a late miscarriage earlier that year, so he know how hard it is.)

(It was a Friday and also me and Jordan's 5 year anniversary, so we were planning on going away to Kanaskis that weekend so my parent were already watching Avery that weekend.) So we went to the ultra sound. The tech was quick and efficient and told me she was just to find if there is a heart beat or not and also confirm what she see's with my doctor first. So she did her thing and excused herself from the room to call my Dr. Waiting for her to come back in seemed like an eternity, I kept saying to Jordan that I didn't have a good feeling and I was right. She came back in and told me there is no heart beat and the baby was measuring 15 weeks, so my feeling were right and it had happened a few weeks before.

It was horrible, I was just crying uncontrollable! Jordan is just the worlds best husband and knows exactly how to support and be there for me. We drove over to my doctors to discuss what our options are to remove the fetus. She was so wonderful and obviously knows how to deal with people going through this. She told us there is no harm in taking the weekend to think about it and it wont do any harm waiting a few days.

So we got to go away still, and that was exactly the medicine I needed. I couldn't be around anyone cause whenever I talked about it I would just cry, the only person I wanted to be with was Jordan and strangers who don't know whats going on. So we went away and had a fantastic weekend! After getting many tears out we tried to concentrate on the positive and not what could have been. We stayed at this beautiful hotel in Kanaskis and enjoyed our hotel and ate good food, swan, got massages, went into Banff shopping, had hot chocolate and sat in the lodge lobby by the fireplace, it was perfect!

I decided D&C would be the best option, I had no desire to see the baby or go through contractions when the result is not a healthy lovely baby. It was worth it with Avery, but not worth it for this. We came home and my family was of course wonderful and supportive. It was good therapy to get away because I didn't cry that much. And oh my goodness, I was soooo excited to see Avery! That was the longest time I had been away from her, and after losing the baby I was soooo grateful to have such a beautiful, funny, sweet girl waiting for me at home. She ran up and gave me a huge hug, and she was so clingy to me for the rest of the night, which I must say I enjoyed!

So we had the baby removed by a D&C. It wasn't the smoothest road to that point. We went to the Grey Nuns Monday supposed to have a D&C by Dr. Brown (who is who my Dr referred me too) and waited from noon on. We were bumped by a couple emergency surgeries and then he went off at 6, and told us Dr. Lee would take over for him and take care of us. Well... she didn't really. She came in a told us the fetus was too big to remove and that she would start me on the drugs to get my contractions going and it usually takes about 12 hours... no biggy hey?!?!?! Well that's how she was acting, I just started crying and then she realized that maybe I didn't want to do it that way... and it came out that she just wasn't comfortable doing that and had never done a D&C past 12 weeks, and another (nicer) doctor came in and explained that she wasn't comfortable with that but Dr. Brown obviously is because he wouldn't have scheduled it if he didn't. So we schedule it for the next day cause Dr. Brown had a cancellation.

So we went back again on Tuesday and Dr. Brown was very confident performing the procedure and it went very smoothly and we were home by 4:30. I was very happy to have that done with.
It was a very easy recovery, obviously physically it as easy. It still is hard emotionally, but I'm trying to be positive and once I'm ready hopefully we can successfully have another child.
I think it was easier to get over because we had so much amazing support! I want to thank anyone who showed me and my little family love and support over this time. My sisters brought me delicious freezer meals and Taren brought me a whole crap load of Diet Pepsi (my fav which I don't drink when I'm pregnant) and some other goodies. My wonderful friends Lisa and Rachel brought us dinner, Lisa amazing Pizza and Rachel delicious lasagna. My RS president brought my home made bread and a hug :) and other people in my ward just called or the Aulenbachs sent us one of those fruit flower arrangements. My VT Cindy Smith lent us her husband to help Jordan rip our cupboards out and starting laying the sub floor for tile, and so many kind phone calls and emails. And our wonderful friends Chantal and Jeremy brought us dinner one night and Jeremy helped Jordan paint the basement suite and came the next day and helped him finish!
It honestly made me feel like we didn't deserve so much service, like yes an awful thing happened but there are other people in the world that go through far more! I kept saying that to Jordan and he had to remind me that I'm bad sometimes at excepting service, none the less I appreciated it sooo much! It really did help me through a tough time. I love you all, and thank you!

So I've said to Jordan a few times, I'm not old and feel silly saying this, but my life has been pretty good, but this is the first time that I've said "I'm happy to get this year over with and onto the next, did not enjoy 2009." Yes parts of it were good and it wasn't all bad, BUT, to give you an idea:

- We bought a house we love, only to find out hours before possession the garage encroaches on the lot beside, so we rent this house cause we are homeless and wait 4 months for the city to approve all the paper work they need too. So we finally get to start reno's and our basement suite 4 months late thanks to the idiots we bought our house from and not getting proper paper work together before they put it up for sale.
-1st miscarriage
- My cousin Brock passes away un-expectably
- My great grandma dies, that was less sad because she was old and I don't know her that well, but sad to see my Grandma sad who I'm close with and know very well.
- Second miscarriage

I don't mean for this list to be a complainer, just explaining why I'm happy this year is done. And on to a new one. I want to get this reno good and done and my house back to normal and lose some weight (that frustrated me, have a pregnant looking belly and nothing to show for that.) Thankfully after the surgery my belly did go down pretty quick... but I tend to let go with my eating when I'm pregnant (totally shouldn't do that) so I'd like to work that weight off. And keep taking care of my sweet little girl. I truly am blessed to have such a wonderful husband and the sweetest, funniest little girl in the world! I just love the age shes at and the joy she brings me, its amazing how much love I have for her! This would have been a lot harder to go through with out her!

I promise I'll blog some more about Christmas and New Years and reno's which are going well and was a great time! My next blog will be much more happier and less sad! haha, Christmas was a good thing to cheer me up and get my mind of things. Thank you for reading and letting me vent.

This is the little face that made this a little easier to get through, I just love her! Oh, and I think she'll be a handy girl, haha, shes gets that from her dad. During these reno's she loves watching Jordan work! Oh yea, thats my kitchen ripped up in the background, lovely hey!


the fellers said...

BREANNE! I am so so so sorry to hear about this. I wish that I could have helped in some way. Obviously I am totally out of the loop and didnt even know you were expecting in the first place, cause I have been a slacker in the blog world lately, I will do better. I hope you are feeling better and continue to feel better...I wish I could help! I am so sorry, I hope this is a better year for you, good riddance 2009!

LFixsen said...

Breanne, I totally appreciated your post, I remember writing my own post like this and it helped close a chapter for sure. I hope you are feeling a little better everyday, we missed you at dinner last week. Hope your house comes together soon!

The Hatch Family said...

Thanks for sharing even in your hard times. It is amazing the amount of trials that can come through pregnancy and birth. I hope that you and your family are overly blessed this year!
Can't wait to see reno pics.

Kim said...

Oh Breanne...I'm so sorry for you guys. I may not have gone through an experience like yours, but I understand how it feels to be sad and heartbroken over babies and pregnancy. One thing I definitely learned was that life isn't always up to us and we need to remember to be happy along the way...as hard as it may be sometimes. You are so loved and have such a great family (and sounds like lots of great friends!) to help you through this difficult time. For a long time I had such a hard time understanding why we have to go through these hard moments and experiences in our life, but they help us to grow so much and really do make us appreciate everything we do have. And amazing blessings do come :) I know you will see many blessings and miracles. You have such a cute family and Avery is just the cutest thing! She must be getting so big. I hope it gets easier for you. It's okay to be sad too :) All the best to you guys!!
Kim xox

robynatwood said...

Breanne! I am so sorry to hear about this! I have never had an experience like this but I understand how it is to be sad and heartbroken about something. We all have trials just different ones. I hope you continue to feel better. I wish you the best in this new year with many blessings and miracles to come your way. I hope you renos keep coming along well and your little girl is getting so big and is very adorable!! Have a good year!

Liesel said...

Breanne, I was saddened by the news in your post. I hope 2010 is better.
Liesel (Meldrum)

The Whiddens said...

I had no idea Breanne, I'm so sorry. I hope things are getting better and you are dealing better emotionally. That is way too much for anyone to go through ever, let alone in such a short period of time.

Kristy said...

oh no! that's SO sad to hear about all your news. hopefully you are having a good 2010, you deserve it!

Talia said...

Hey, Breanne!
I had heard that you had a miscarraige and I was so said for you guys! Nothing like that will ever be easy or okay, but I'm so glad you had so many friends and family around you to help! That is so nice.
You have such a beautiful little family! I can't wait to see what the future holds for you. You have such a positive energy and you're so beautiful...I know that many many good things are coming your way!!
xo Talia